Construction Monkey
A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a Construction Monkey, please'.
The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, 'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey.
The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?
'The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe. All with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.'
The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. ' That one ' s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do? ' ' Oh, that one ' replied the shopkeeper. ' That ' s a ' Project Field Engineer, he can read drawings, answer RFI ' s, make as-build ' s and inspect quality. A very useful monkey indeed.'
The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, ' This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?'
'Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and masterbate. But his papers say he's a Safety Manager
Tricks for everyday life
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When mowing make sure your electric fence is unplugged as witnessed by this guy.
We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got
the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I
then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The
ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the
fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp Big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire
and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as
though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.
Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside-down
cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my
balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears
curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the
backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I
could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It
seems as though the fence charger and the P.O.S. lawnmower were fighting
over who would control my electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different
times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement,
where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and, BAM-BAM-BAM, you
just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between
but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8-grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm
down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences...
But Dad always had those P.O.S. chargers made by International or whoever
that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let
go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me
through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point, I'm thinking
I'm going to have to just man-up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
of gas.
'Damn!,' I think, as I remember that I just filled the tank!
Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered
in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please
die... Pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough, lumpy, cam idle
nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the
go command from its owner's right foot.
So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80%
humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did
not take me that day... He left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe
in the misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I
woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me,
out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two
large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny
dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on
to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep, I
realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my
right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not
smell as bad a you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I
think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while
thinking of the number 4. (Still don't understand this)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect
for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple
check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.
The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come
over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do
to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also
reminds me to triple check before I mow.
__________________
Y2KD2
